When we think of Christ commanding us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44), our mind turns to bullies, criminals, terrorists, and other obvious villains—people who fit neatly into the category of “enemy.” But this sort of black-and-white thinking doesn’t include the person we experience as both friend and foe. You know the type—someone we harbor affection for, but who also exasperates us. You might describe such people as “frenemies.”
Illustration by Jeff Gregory
Perhaps your frenemy is a coworker who is jealous of your accomplishments. Maybe it’s a classmate who is kind one minute and cruel the next. A frenemy can even be a parent who refuses to accept your spouse or vocation.
Frenemy relationships arise as a result of many factors, including conflicting personalities, deep-seated insecurities, and personal limitations, to name a few. As Christians, we know that living in a fallen world means our relationships are shaped by our sinful tendencies, too. This means we need God’s help when it comes to loving our enemies and frenemies alike. If we let these people who drive us crazy bring us to our knees in prayer, we can ask Jesus to be at work in our relationships with them—and, perhaps more importantly, within our heart.
We created this guide to help you navigate tense relationships. Whether you face a stereotypical enemy or not, you’ll find practical suggestions to help you move toward a more charitable situation. It’s possible our challenging relationships will never be “fixed,” but we hope you’ll feel equipped to approach them differently—even if it’s just one step in the direction of grace.
Reflect on the part you play in the relationship.
The first step toward loving your frenemies is to acknowledge something uncomfortable: What if I’m part of the problem?
None of us are perfect, which means there’s always something we can take responsibility for in the relationship. Maybe it’s an offense as egregious as name-calling, as inconspicuous as a jealous heart, or as deep-seated as hurt from childhood.
The point in looking inward, however, is not to beat ourselves up; it’s to expand our heart. When we reflect on our own actions and attitudes, we’re reminded how much we need grace—just like our frenemy. Looking at ourselves honestly allows us to see the other person more clearly, too.
There are many ways to consider your own heart, but here are a couple of ideas to get started. Remember, your self-reflection doesn’t have to be elaborate; you can simply name your sin and shortcomings. (If you’d like guidance on confession, see the article “How to Confess Sin Without Beating Yourself Up.”)
Let Psalm 139:23-24 help shift you into a contemplative headspace. Read it as many times as you need to.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (NLT)
Now pray through those verses. Say them to the Lord as you consider the part you play in the relationship with your frenemy.
Ask yourself, What can I take responsibility for in my relationship with _____?
If you identify attitudes or behaviors that need to change, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom about what to do next. Maybe you need to sit and reflect a little longer, or you want to process your thoughts out loud with a friend. Perhaps you want to ask the Lord for forgiveness, or you realize the need to apologize to this person. Though offering an apology and asking for forgiveness can feel intimidating, be encouraged—it is a profound display of love and humility, one that your frenemy cannot miss.
Practice seeing and loving your frenemy as God does.
You may see someone who drives you bananas, but how does Jesus see this person?
He sees someone He chose to die for—a soul He loves deeply.
It’s no wonder then, that Jesus calls us to love our enemies. He wants to us to see and love them as He does. Note the second part of this often-quoted passage: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven” (Matt. 5:44-45 NIV, emphasis added).
Think about it for a moment: Children imitate their parents. We actually become more like God when we imitate Jesus by loving our frenemies. A transformation occurs in us. We begin to see our frenemies through God’s eyes, wanting for them what He wants for them. And what’s more, when we choose to live according to Jesus’ way, we more fully participate in His life. Here are a couple of ways we can begin to see what He sees:
Try a visualization exercise. Picture your enemy or frenemy in the setting where you typically interact with each other—your place of work, a family gathering, neighborhood event, etc. Imagine Jesus walking up and looking him or her in the eyes.
What does Jesus see? Think qualities, character, history, hurts, and hopes—try to name five or six. Then consider all Jesus is seeing that you don’t know about.
Imagine Jesus moving closer to embrace this person. They hug for as long as he or she needs.
Say a prayer for your frenemy—and start small. For example, “Lord, have mercy on ______. And have mercy on me.” Or “God, let ______ feel Your presence today.”
Consider repeating that one line like a quick prayer before and after you interact with the person.
When we see our enemies through Jesus’ eyes and treat them as He would, we also invite our frenemies to be transformed. In Luke 6:29, the Lord says, “Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also.” When we sacrifice our right to retaliate—something more striking than any blow—we may open our frenemies’ eyes to the reality of a loving God who does not deal with us as we deserve. When we live as if this God has made a difference in our life, we demonstrate to our frenemies that He can make a similar difference in theirs, too!
Set boundaries. After all, Jesus did!
Loving a frenemy doesn’t mean throwing the door to your life wide open without regard for your well-being. Boundaries are healthy when it comes to people who push our buttons.
Consider an instance in which Jesus sets boundaries. After transforming water into wine at the wedding in Cana, Jesus performed signs in Jerusalem, leading onlookers to believe in Him. “But Jesus would not entrust himself to them,” Scripture says. “For he knew all people. He did not need any testimony about mankind, for he knew what was in each person” (John 2:24-25, NIV).
Jesus held something of Himself back because He needed to in that moment. Note that the text doesn’t say He didn’t love these people—only that He wouldn’t entrust Himself to them. He knew it would not end well.
When it comes to frenemies, we too may need to hold something of ourselves back. Loving frenemies sometimes means avoiding certain subjects or situations in the interest of sustaining the relationship. Only you and the Holy Spirit know what those areas might be.
Here are some questions to help you start thinking:
What were some circumstances that made you feel uncomfortable or hurt in the past?
Do you need to avoid certain places, company, or topics?
How do you want to uphold the boundary—communicate it clearly beforehand, deflect in the moment, or something else?
If you’re not used to keeping boundaries, it can feel difficult—maybe even wrong at times—to stick with them. But you don’t have to figure things out on your own. You can find more guidance and examples of boundary-setting in the article “How to Handle Complicated Relationships in Your Life.” You can also ask a trusted counselor for help.
Most importantly, we always have the Holy Spirit within, who promises to guide us—even in sticky situations. Consider using this prayer to help you navigate the bounds of the relationship with your frenemy:
Holy Spirit, give me wisdom to know when to engage with ______ and when to step away. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Do your part to promote peace.
In Paul’s letter to the Roman church, there’s a section that talks about how believers should respond to enemies and frenemies (Rom. 12:14-21). It’s a provocative paragraph that doesn’t simply echo Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek but goes even further, saying, “Bless those who persecute you” (v. 14). Yet in the middle of all these challenging ideas is one often overlooked verse: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (v. 18, emphasis added).
While we cannot control other people or how they will treat us, the phrase “so far as it depends on you” reminds us that we have a part to play when it comes to cultivating peace with our frenemies. Like Jesus, who came as the Prince of Peace, we can make it our mission to prioritize peace. We can focus on gracefully engaging our frenemies instead of falling into foolish arguments that exacerbate existing conflicts. On the other side of that same coin, we must acknowledge that we can’t control a relationship. We can control only ourselves, and beyond that, it’s God’s territory.
The next time you know you’re going to see your frenemy, ask yourself, How can I plants seeds of peace in this relationship? Pray for God to empower you as a peacemaker and for Him to be at work in your frenemy’s heart. And then, be faithful with your part and trust the rest to the Lord.
When you invite Jesus into the relationship, you are no longer limited to what you can do alone. Remember that line in Luke where Jesus says, “What is impossible with man is possible with God” (Luke 18:27 NIV)? As you love and pray for your frenemies, try relating to them as if God is already at work in their life, making the impossible possible in your relationship.
You may or may not see changes in your relationship—or perhaps not right away—but that’s okay. Be patient with your frenemy as God is patient with us, loving us over the long haul even when we so often relate as frenemies to Him.
Go now and live in hope, knowing that the One who came to set our relationship right with our Creator can mend human relationships, too.
